Fish, Chips & Lubricating Jelly: Crude Humour & Greed Collide, as Irreverent New Novel Proves Crime Does Pay (For a Bit, Anyway…)
 
From screenwriter and novelist, Ian David Noakes, ‘Fish, Chips & Lubricating Jelly’ straddles the very fine moral line between crime and desperation, as three total strangers come together through their despair to collectively drag themselves out of debt after a bungled suicide attempt (and toe-dipping in the world of crime!). The perfect blend of crude humor and a vivid examination of modern British life, Noakes hits this one out of the park and into the hands of readers everywhere.
 
Contact:
Ian David Noakes
Email: iannoakes@me.com
 
 
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
 
United Kingdom – When Ian David Noakes released short story ‘Partners in Crime’ on Amazon, he had no idea readers would be chomping at the bit for a full series. What struck him even more was that, while laced with gripping crime and humour, it was the truly dysfunctional characters and their rich, often-fraught relationships that had readers begging for more.
 
A true literary maverick, Noakes picked his pen back up and began crafting what has now hit the shelves as ‘Fish, Chips & Lubricating Jelly’. Exploring that enigmatic yet ever-so-fascinating grey area between crime and societal desperation, Noakes’ narrative compels readers to cut to the core of their own despair and see just how much affinity they have to his perfectly-flawed characters.
 
Synopsis:
 
THREE TROUBLED STRANGERS
 
… find themselves in a dire predicament - drowning in spiraling debt through a succession of poor decisions and rotten judgment.

A BUNGLED SUICIDE ATTEMPT

… unites Harry, Milly and Noah in their time of need. But from the dark emerges a daring solution brimming with risk and reward.

PARTNERS IN CRIME

… they become, but their shift to crime only compounds their existing problems while creating a wealth of brand-spanking new ones.
 
“This is, at its core, a comedy book that will have readers chortling all day long,” explains Noakes, a prolific, award-nominated writer. “But, at the same time, it provides a bold literary mirror to modern-day Britain and its slew of societal problems – and the tumultuous nature of human relationships. While readers may first see Harry, Milly and Noah as dysfunctional freaks, they’ll soon discover that the cast are perfect reflections of people they actually know. Who knows, perhaps it could be them! After all, everyone experiences the debt, stress, love, ambitions and defeats that they do.”
 
Continuing, “This book is the product of a nervous breakdown I had seven years ago, along with an anxiety disorder that I continue to manage. Throughout it all, I’ve learned the value of laughter, self-deprecation and unconventional humour. They all have their place in the book.”
 
Always thinking ahead, Ian has a horror spin-off planned called ‘Blood, Guts & Wobbly Bits’, along with a series of episodes for his partners in crime. Ian has also scripted a pilot episode and series bible after series interest in taking it to television.
 
Ian’s debut novel, Hourglass Heights, was published in the U.K. to overwhelmingly positive reviews in June 2014 and subsequently made its U.S. debut on December 30th. Using his background as a qualified behavioural therapist, Ian David Noakes created a harrowing and action-packed debut tale that revolved around the beautiful, but flawed, Detective Marcia Tanaka.

‘Fish, Chips & Lubricating Jelly’ is available now: http://amzn.to/2e47ktE.

 
About the Author:
 
From humble beginnings as a projectionist, Ian David Noakes has taken on several feature film and television options as well as writing commissions since writing full-time. His big breakthrough came when his erotic murder-mystery, Hourglass Heights, achieved a publishing contract. It was later nominated for both the People’s Book Prize as well as the National Book Awards
 
After a wave of overwhelmingly positive reviews, Noakes experimented with many other genres as well. Most recently, he completed a dramedy pilot called Partners in Crime before adapting it into both a novel and completed series under the auspicious title Fish, Chips & Lubricating Jelly. He has also penned a fun-filled horror novella called The Ancient Lawman.
 
Ian David Noakes is currently seeking representation.
 
Meanwhile a short drama he created, Tables Turned, has begun pre-production while he works on a re-write for his upcoming feature film, More Than Human.
 
A serious case of indecisiveness syndrome has made it impossible to tell you what could be coming next. He is currently juggling a wide range of genres ranging from time traveling serial killer thrillers to dimension-crashing epics to supernatural horrors.
 
When he’s not immersed in one of his incredible tales, Noakes enjoys spending time with his wife, five children and a constant supply of Starbucks mochas. Recently, he has become a behavioural therapist as well, because who else would you rather discuss your problems with than a caffeinated, child-rearing, wife-doting, novella-penning, screen-writing, genre-jumper?

Ever wondered why the bad-asses get all the best lines? No, neither have I - I just love them – which is the first reason I had to seek out the best bad-ass lines for my TOP TENS blog category.

 
 … but, I need your help!

 
I’m going to throw one in the hat to kick things off, and it’s a biggie. A biggie that inspired reason two! I watched THE WALKING DEAD on Monday (that’s a lie, I was knackered on Monday and went to bed after watching I’M A CELEBRITY, GET ME OUT OF HERE!), on Tuesday night, and the nasty Negan delivered a killer line right at the end.  Be warned, I don’t think it will beaten!!
 
I’m sorry for all those who haven’t watched it, but it won’t ruin anything – other than the delivery of the line.  However, I do hate a spoiler: so please feel free to skip watching the clip below and just post the best ‘bad-ass’ line you can think of.
 

​THE RULES?
The line MUST HAVE been delivered by a bonafide bad-ass!
The definition of bad-ass?
I’ve just Googled it, and the definition reads:
“…a tough, uncompromising, or intimidating person.”
 
Up for the challenge? Cool. I’m posting this one on my blog, and I will be sharing it here, there and everywhere.
 
Looking forward to checking out your suggestions – post’em anywhere I can see them!!
 
Oh, any suggestions that hit my TOP TEN will automatically be dropped in the hat for a signed copy of a limited edition copy of my Hourglass Heights! Limited Edition I hear you say? Yep – I changed the cover design a while back, and the publisher pulped all the original copies… but I hid a few away for a day just like this!

MY CHOICE IS BELOW!! (I know, it's bad-ass! But don't worry, I'm ineligible)

#negan #thewalkingdeaduk #thewalkingdead #horror #imaceleb #TWD #badass #IDN

This is the question posed to Mary, a single mother with a young son, when her patience snaps after a delinquent teenager called Rosie breaks into her property in the middle of the night. She should have called the police and let them deal with the vindictive youth. But instead of calling the police, Mary ties the insolent terror to a dining chair with the goal of finding out why Rosie does the things that she does.

I originally scripted ‘Tables Turned’ as a short drama story, but after speaking with Katherine Shannon it soon became obvious that this story had a message to deliver – and in order to reach the widest audience possible, it should be told in words as well as pictures. It wasn’t long before the twenty-two page screenplay was adapted into a sixty-two page novella – a dramatic works that is now available for the first time in print.

And the short film?

I’ve been in constant contact with Katherine, and I’m pleased to confirm that it is now in pre-production. Katherine has even been able to get the support of the both the fire service, and the police force – as is the power of the message I hope this story will deliver.

The short film adaptation promises to deliver, and the hope is we can start shooting soon. But if you don’t want to wait until it’s released, you can pick up a copy (or download it on Kindle) from Amazon and most reputable bookstores.

Hate paying delivery fees and love good value for money!? Me too, so DO NOT pay for the delivery when snapping up your copy. Just tag a paperback copy of my latest novel, FISH, CHIPS & LUBRICATING JELLY, onto your order so it qualities for free delivery!! You can find my books quickly by selecting the MY BOOKS option at the top of the page.

Katherine Shannon
https://www.linkedin.com/in/katherine-shannon-774b8314

​#IDN  #youthcrime #shortfilm #mustread #shortstory #TablesTurned  #Exciting #News #Blogger #crime #asbo #stress #psychological #abuse #yob #knife #knifecrime #burglary #teenager #youth #revenge #retribution #violence #harassment #intimidation

​

This list is subject to change due to the potential of huge income in the near future ☺ But I was asked the question, so here is goes:

My Wife
Apologies, thing = stunning woman who I exchanged vows with nearly twenty years ago. Without the support of my wife, I wouldn’t have been able to write – period.

My Children
They’re loud and full of energy (and questions), but they keep me young. They also provide the motivation for me to earn mega-bucks so I can sign them up for classes and pay for them to go out and enjoy themselves – a totally selfless act, I promise.

Starbucks 
The Grande Mocha - the fuel of authors!

Email
I seem to remember a device that you could tap numbers into and that enabled you to speak to people on the other end. Not sure what happened to that, so I’ve become reliant on electronic mail to communicate with people now.

Football 
It’s the only way I can sit down and switch off from my writing. When I watch movies, it triggers my creative process. When I watch football, there is no plot, no twists and turns and no intriguing characters (in the story sense!) so I can just switch off and recharge.

My Car
Without it, how would I get to Starbucks to write my books? Oh, and how would I buy life’s little luxuries like food and drink? Once a year I lose it for its MOT – horrible!

My Laptop
I’d look very stupid finger-tapping thin air when writing my books.

My iPhone
Duh! Email. Facebook. Twitter. Web-browsing. Taking photographs. What other possible use would there be for a phone?

SKY TV
Sky TV entertains, inspires and educates. It also keeps the kids quiet!

Food
Think back to Biology class! I also actively enjoy food, of course, but that means lots of walking too, otherwise I’d have no chance of fitting behind a desk. I don’t actually work behind a desk, but for the sake of this question I do. But I don’t. But if I did. It would.

I watch television with my family when it jumps out and swallows me up.  The urge to suck in oxygen overwhelms me, but an unseen might weighs heavy upon my quivering chest.  The urge to cry infects my face as my heart punches the inside of my ribs.

I want to ask for help, but I know that nobody can save me.  I’m on my own.  I slow my breathing and mumble a prayer: maybe God can help me.  Save me.  Listen to me.  But he doesn’t hear my call.

As the blood pumps into my muscles, I grow dizzy and weak.  And then it attacks my sight, forcing me to see the world through whirls and blotches of water and fog.  My stomach twists.  My bones tremble.  What have I done to deserve this torture?  I must be a bad person, because bad people are tortured for their crimes.  I can’t remember what I could have done.

It’s winning.  I crumple to my knees and land on my palms, sucking in oxygen even though I know it will feed my foe.  My sight blurs as I claw at the carpet.  I feel my wife’s hand on the back of my head and her reassuring words in my ear.  But I’m dying. Help!

Tears wash around my eyes and tumble down my cheeks.  I roll on to my side, accepting that these will be my final minutes.  I think about my beautiful wife.  My amazing sons.  My beloved daughter.  My future promises good things, and I have a lot more to give my loved ones.

I close my eyes.  I awake the following morning.  I’m alive.  Breathing.  My wife beside me with my daughter tugging at my arm.

Until next time.

EVER WONDERED WHAT GOES THROUGH THE MIND OF SOMEBODY WHO SUFFERS WITH ANXIETY?

I was told It can’t hurt me.  That nobody had ever died from It before.  I didn’t believe them.  My mind turns on me, disabling my ability to inhale the oxygen required to exist.  It strikes me down when I least expect; watching television, driving home or drinking a cup of coffee.  

I sit with the people around me, my family, friends, existing inside a defective bubble that has so far failed to protect me from my inner enemy.  The one I refer to as It.  From the outside, it hurts me without people seeing.  The only proof It exists comes from the pain in my words, and the torment in my face.  People don’t believe me, think I’m making It up – but It’s as real as the crimson blood flowing through my veins.

It doesn’t care when; I just know that It will.  It strikes without warning.  Without mercy.  It scares me.  I’m frightened that It will never let me go.  I worry It will kill me one day when It has taken all it can from my being.  I have no idea why It stalks me, but I often wonder if I have done something to anger It.  To disappoint It.  Upset It.  Surely, I must have done something.

It was like a demon sitting on my shoulder waiting to inflict psychological and physical pain.  It draws tears from my eyes and attempts to hide my will to live, because living is too hard.  I’m tired and drained from my battles, but how can you fight something that you can’t see or touch.  Only feel. 

I watch people laughing, having fun.  Working, dreaming of success.  But those trivial things other people take for granted appear so far away from my grasp.  I want to cry, curl up into a ball and fall asleep because maybe… just maybe, when I awake, It will be gone.  Like a bad dream with no entitlement to manipulate my mind and hurt me again.

And then I awake.  The first thing on my mind – has It gone?  And that is my first mistake.  A terrible error I have made each morning for the past six hundred and thirty days, because the minute I wake I always think about It and the fear creeps back inside and threatens me. 

I cling on to the lifeline that people have survived this before me, and that one day I will be able to watch people around me with the knowledge that I could soon enjoy life without anguish.  That I will be able to experience healthy debate with another human being without being struck down with fright and ache.  That every bone and muscle in my body will stop attacking me when I want to laugh out loud and enjoy something I once had taken for granted.
  
I pray one day my life will be back in my own hands, and that It will leave me alone.  That my wife can keep me going, and that one day my dreams can come true⎯and I will find pleasure and fulfilment like normal people.

Please excuse the corny (no pun intended) reference to the infamous line from Field of Dreams.

Ray Kinsella, played by Kevin Costner, heard those voices telling him: "If you build it, he will come.” And my word⎯did they come: Shoeless Joe Jackson and other dead baseball players emerged from the cornfields to play ball! If he’d ignored those voices, Kinsella wouldn’t have signed on for the project in the first place. And the same can be applied to all you authors out there who decide to promote the LIKE BUTTON your Amazon Author page!

Did you even know that there was a tiny little LIKE button hiding in the top right hand corner of your Amazon Author Page? It’s just to the right of the Facebook and Twitter share buttons. Surprisingly, many authors are unaware of this golden nugget of a button, despite it having been there for years. 

The definition of LIKE: ‘…used to draw attention to the nature of an action or event.’ <SOURCE: GOOGLE>

You may be wondering why I’ve felt the need to write a complete post dedicated to this old piece of news. The answer is simple: I have heard whispers - a buzz even - floating around the author airwaves. Namely, Facebook! It would appear that Amazon are changing the way they promote authors and their books through their gigantic network. Reviews are still Gold Dust, but it turns out that Amazon may prefer to throw traffic at authors who are liked. Go figure!

In a nutshell, my fellow authors, you need to get people doin’ some LIKE’IN!


LIKE MY AMAZON AUTHOR PAGE, AND I’LL LIKE YOURS BACK!


* You don’t need to be an author to like an author’s page. If you like ’em, like’em, because it all counts. Your LIKE will help the author, and it’ll only have taken you a few seconds to do it.

* If you’re an author, and you would like to swap LIKES with me, simply leave the URL to your author page in a comment (along with “DONE YOURS”) on this post. Not only will I reciprocate your kind gesture, but the link to your author page will end up floating around in cyberspace for other authors - and potential readers - to pick up and click.

This is my Amazon Author page: 
http://www.amazon.com/Ian-David-Noakes/e/B00K0HBTBW


**Can’t find the LIKE BUTTON? No problem, because you can always click the GOLD FAVORITE BUTTON instead.

Thank You,
Ian David Noakes

Firstly, if you haven’t read any of my books before, I hope you’ll click on the  – My Books – link above and check out a few of my titles! However, the points in this post can be applied to any book you have read and enjoyed.

• Why Leave a Review
• How Easy It Can Be!

Why Leave a Review

It goes without saying that as a reader, you are not obliged to leave feedback on a book. You’ve already taken the time to purchase it, and spend your hard earned money on it.  Authors just hope that if you really enjoyed their book, then you may want to read their future work. If you leave a glowing review for a book you loved, you are playing a vital part in ensuring an author, whose work you enjoy, will be given the opportunity to carry on writing.

When it comes to deciding whether or not to leave a review, I guess a lot depends on how much you want to re-live the enjoyment you got from a particular book. If a book didn’t particularly excite you, then maybe it doesn’t merit any feedback.

Writers have bills to pay, just like anyone else, and a great review really DOES help the author, more than you might think. At first glance, a positive review can do the obvious: convince potential readers that a book is worth purchasing.

In the wider scheme of things, retailers such as Amazon LOVE books that generate positive reviews. Its founders may have been passionate about books, but ultimately Amazon is a business, and a huge one at that. It needs customers to buy books. If a potential customer visits a book page without any reviews, positive or n*******, they could easily be put off purchasing (excuse the asterisks - I just hate writing that word out!).

So, Amazon loves rewarding the books that generate the most positive reviews with MORE exposure! When books with positive feedback attract so many buyers, why would a retailer want to waste their advertising space and promotional tools pointing customers to pages with no reviews? The simple answer is: they won’t!

So, the next time you leave a review on a book you’ve thoroughly enjoyed, take pleasure in knowing that you have put a smile on the author’s face (you have - I promise!), and that you have prodded a promotional piece into the Amazon Jigsaw Juggernaut.

How Easy It Can be

Let me just get this out there! Yes, it can be a pain in the ass to:

1) Write a review after reading a book. Where do you even start?
2) Take the time to log in, find the book, and leave the review!

Some people genuinely love writing reviews, and I take my hat off to all of them. If you’re one of these lucky people, you can skip point one, and maybe even point two, as you’re obviously an avid reader and reviewer.

I will hold up my hands, and admit that I do not particularly enjoy writing reviews. I could even stretch to saying I struggle to write them. Give me 10k words of story any day of the week! I can’t quite put my finger on why; maybe I just feel like I’m always leaving out something that should be included? Sometimes, I just can’t get my brain to start working and find a way to start composing the review.

An easy way around this is to not think of what you’re writing as a book review. Sometimes a potential reader just needs to know that you enjoyed the book. One of my favourite book reviews was for Partners In Crime, and it simply read: BRILLIANT. The reviewer also rated it five stars.

Feel free to write as much as you want, but bear in mind that one simple word or short sentence will work just as well for Amazon (or Goodreads) as a long, professional book review. 

Don’t get me wrong, professional book reviews are an important part of the publishing process for an author, and in most cases these longer reviews will end up on multiple websites and blogs around the world. These in-depth reviews also serve an additional purpose: sure, they advise and critique like a conventional Amazon or Goodreads review, but they are also content in their own right. They analyze stories, and provide deep insight into a piece of work. 

But when it comes to poking Amazon’s supply/demand algorithms, a small, snappy testimonial is like: GOLD DUST!


Leaving the review: I can help there too!

• Find the Amazon sales page listing your book. (If it’s one of my books go directly to it by clicking the purchase link next to the book you believe merits the feedback. You’ll find it on the My Books page on this website.)
• Scroll down the Amazon product page until you find a button asking you to leave a customer review. Click it.
  
• Scroll down until you find the book you want to review.
  
• DO THE BUSINESS, and you’re done ☺

You may notice I’ve only spoken about positive reviews; I couldn’t build up the courage to write anything about the ‘bad’ ones. I guess you should read the above, and then twist it around.

I thought I'd kick things off with a post about my upcoming Release Day Blitz and subsequent Virtual Book Tour for Hourglass Heights.  

I've put my tour in the very capable hands of 'Bit'N Book Tours', and it has been arranged to announce - and celebrate - the U.S. launch of my book. It was released in the U.K. last June, and it has since been nominated for the 'People's Book Prize', and it is also a contender for the National Book Awards. Sales are going well, and the reviews have been very positive. So, long may this continue.

But this post is all about the U.S., launch, and introducing my erotic, murder-mystery to everybody on the other side of the big blue pond. I've broken down this post into two parts: BOOK BLOGGER/REVIEWERS & FANS!

(Hopefully, I can convert a few bloggers and reviewers to be fans of my books during the process too!)

Let's start with FANS...

I am hoping that this tour can successfully introduce readers to the world of Hourglass Heights. An erotic, murder-mystery with a dusting of the supernatural that is packed with characters that will make you scream and squirm. Some will make you laugh. And -fingers crossed - some that will make you cry. 

I also had one fan from the U.K. who told me she was "shamefully aroused", but I will leave that one up in the air. 

The participating blogs will be handed exclusive material that they can use to host the tour. They will be provided with books to give away, exclusive interviews, excerpts from the book, along with character bios and dream cast admissions for the key characters. I will also be checking in on all the blog hosts on a regular basis to respond to your comments.

On February 1st, I will also be hosting a LIVE 3-hour Facebook Event, where fans - or curious readers - can ask me anything they like in realtime.

*I know you all lead busy lives, so all you need to do is LIKE my FACEBOOK PAGE in order to be kept up to date on all my news and announcements.

BOOK BLOGGERS & REVIEWERS

If you're a book blogger/reviewer, then I hope the above has piqued your interest. As a host, you will be provided with complimentary copies of the book to review, along with books to giveaway to your followers. I will be checking in on a daily basis to respond to posts/comments on your blogs too.

This is my first virtual tour, but I am confident we can make it a successful event for everybody involved. If you're interest, please: CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP AND JOIN IN!

Thank you for your time, 
IDN